my thoughts

9/17/2020

Another long week heading into another extended long weekend!

I feel like work flipped the switch on me a little bit and I'm majorly disoriented after being switched to a new project with nearly no help (fml) and having a new manager (which I'm actually super happy about cause he's a fantastic guy). But still, I have an insane amount to learn in a short while. I'm a junior self-taught dev (can you tell lol) that transitioned from the data analytics world. So here's an ongoing list of things I need to be an expert on by the end of the month:

1. Typescript: to be fair I already kinda know it and prefer it waaaaay over JavaScript but there are little nuances and bad practices of JS that I need to absolutely squash, so I hope TS will help me with that! I'd kinda like to learn as a blank slate just so I can develop good practices over time.
2. Redux: oh boy do I know nothing about Redux! I'm just getting familiar with React (which I love) so I'm gonna have to add this bad boy to the mix. Any tips/tutorials, send my waaaay!
3. Redux-Saga: pretty much same as above here. Where tf do I get started?!
4. MaxBox: here's an actual fun one. I have a background in mapping and I need to explore MapBox as a PoC. I cannot screw this one up. I might spin up a little app on my github just to figure it out.

Anyway, before I start hustling like crazy, I have a fun little camping trip I'm taking with my pal. We're going to go check out the stars at a dark sky preserve and probably just chill/canoe/hang out. I might make a photos page to start posting the photos I take on the trip. Ph, and speaking of photos, I bought a film camera on a bit of a whim the other day! It's a toy camera that takes 120 film. If I'm into it, I might invest in nicer film cameras but for now, this will be nice! If it's any good, I'll post the developed film for that on here!

9/8/2020

I really needed that long weekend and I even extended it to tomorrow. So I have a 5-day weekend, yay!

I'm feeling a lot better about my body/weight lately after working moderately hard at the gym and eating way healthier and way less. I've been keeping an intermittent fast about 5 days a week and regularly logging my meals in a food diary. Not only does this help with just getting on top of my calorie and nutrition intake but if there's any food that's specifically messed up my gut, I'm going to be on top of it. Idk how much weight I've lost but I can tell its significant enough to make me feel good about my clothes again. Almost. I have my thigh gap back (lmao) and my stomach has flattened out. I'm excited to have a body I can really feel good in to keep me motivated. I think dating a guy that is on the skinnier side kinda helps. I sort of hate when I look at his body and see his skinny thighs and waist. We were on another date, and I was feeling hot in my sweater so he lent me his shirt to wear instead and it barely fit me. Yikes. I'm so used to my boyfriends' clothes fitting really baggy on me and me feeling ultra cute and cozy. But I just felt my curves hugging his shirt way too tight and it definitely made me feel some type of way. I wish my metabolism was a lot faster. I guess it's good in a way that I'm forcing myself to be healthy but it really sucks to see people eat absolute shit and know that I'll hate my body if I do that

I kicked off my long weekend on Friday night with "i'm thinking of ending things" and wowwww. Sucker punch. So good. It didn't make much sense but the fella and I played "detective" and figured it out as we went along. We also went on our date last night which as always, ended in mindblowingly really good sex. I feel bad that I'm always talking about my sex life on this but I need somewhere to vent and jsfkjdfsifsdf it was soooOOOOOOO good. I lost my mind everytime he made me cum. Sex with him is super intense. When we first talked about sex (which wasn't until like within 2 months of us talking lol) he mentioned that he's kinda vanilla. I said I was into some light kink and listed off things I enjoyed. Nothing crazy, just spanking, choking, submission, etc. Anyway, he really ran with that lol. Turns out he's really kinky and a total dom. I haven't done it like this before. All he cares about is getting me off and he's better at it than I am.

I think I'm still reeling from the shock of it all. I sort of went through drop when I woke up this morning. Just feeling really low energy/mildly depressed after that intense lovemaking. I went on a hike, cleaned my car, and took a steaming hot bubble bath and that made me feel a lot better. I still have some work to do tonight but it's currently 12:30am and I'm really tired. I have lots to do tomorrow including going to the gym, and driving around town to get some shit done. I guess it'll have to wait til tomorrow. Gonna try and crush it in a few hours. I'm craving a veggie burger sooo bad right now but I'm fasting ughhh. I think I might go get one tomorrow for lunch. And bubble tea. Mmm.

8/30/2020

I've been having a pretty good week, not gonna lie. Last weekend I went to the cottage with the palz. We all got tested for covid before and after to make sure we could properly enjoy the time together. It was really nice to just hang out and get silly. Obviously we binge drank and ate. I ate more meat that week than I do in an entire month. Ugh gross.

It look me a while to loose that weight back. This weekend I'm finally feeling back to normal after some healthy-ish eating and a few gym sessions. I love my friends and I love just letting loose and having a good time but I have a really bad relationship with food. I know what it takes to eat well and what makes me happy. But I have really shit decision making and eat crappy food and way more than I should be. I'm not sure what the best way to manage my eating habbits should be. I notice things like how I have way less energy than my friends and how lazy i constantly feel. Even when we eat the same food. That makes me burn less calories. I think my body just craves different food that really fuels me. I need to start eating more peanut butter, probiotics, vegetarian proteins, leaner meats, and raw greens. And drinking WAY more water. I used to drink sooo much water in university. And my diet was amazing. Vegetarian, lots of fruits and nuts, and I had my vitamins every day. I want to go back to being that person. I think I'm going to start using MyFitnessPal again and start tracking my eating diligently. And strict intermitent fasting on weekdays. I'm going to give myself the weekends t enjoy socializing and giving my body a chance to enjoy things for once in a while. I want to have a better relationship with food and my body this year.

I went to go see Tenet last night with the fella. I feel like a dumbass but I didn' understand a thing. Lmfao. They kept mumbling and the audio mix was so FCKIN bad that I just got lost really early on and gave up trying to follow the plot halfway though. There was no character development whatsoever and everyone was so flat and one-dimensional. I'm so disappointed lol. But it was okay. The entire time in the theatre, we cuddled and held hands and after, we went to go get some dinz, ate it at a park on my blanket and enjoyed the cool end of summer breeze. Went back to the car in our favourite abandomed parking lot where we made out and messed around a bit more. And when I say we messed around, I mean we REALLY messed around. He made me cum hard. Multiple times. I'm not used to being the center of attention when it comes to sex. Hehe. I can get used to this.

8/25/2020

I forgot about this site for a bit as I got involved with the mundaneness of real life. I guess it's been about a month since my last update.

We're halfway into the year, and I'm starting to feel the autmn chill on me. I adore this time of year. When you can smell the crispness and coolness of the outdoors. Fall always reminds me of new beginnings, of second chances. While the start of 2020 doesn't feel like the best, I really do have good feelings about the rest of the year.

I texted a psychic the other day, who did a tarot reading for me. I'm not really a believer of all this stuff but I was curious, and moreso, she was doing it for charity which I appreciated. I got a pretty shitty reading including a very grave warning of my health (should I be scared?!), a warning to drive carefully as there was a car accident in my future. Lol. It said that I would move out soon (10 weeks to be exact) which I find ridiculous because I haven't even started apartment hunting. Oh, and that person I met from my last journal entry? Yeah, apparently he's not "the one". *sigh*. I think in my own best interest/self preservation I'm going to choose not to believe any of these. If these were good readings, would I think otherwise? Yeah, probably. Confirmation bias.

Since I last posted, my feeling towards this new person have definitely intensified. We started talking on June 23. Had our first date sometime at the beginning of July (a few weeks before I posted). After that we had to take things online while he was self-isolating recovering from a cold. We met up again sometime near the end of July. Since then, we've spent just about every weekend together. Mostly outdoors. Talking on benches, having picnics in the park, sitting in our cars sharing music, going on hikes while talking and holding hands, finding small clearings in the forest to kiss and make out, painting in the park together. It sort of feels like a teen romance come to life, even though I'm in my mid-late twenties.

The other day we met up, I brought us sushi takeout, and he brought Siddhartha by Herman Hesse to read together. We ate it in the park while we talked about Avatar. Then we went to our special spot to read the book out loud to each other. We took turns reading. He started stroking my hair and back as I read to him. I felt myself blush so hard although I was trying to keep it together and keep reading. It got dark and it became difficult to see the text. I stopped reading and we made out for a bit.

We found our way back to his car where we made out some more. He began to touch me and we found ourselves taking off our clothes. He went down between my thighs and stayed there for a bit. Maybe all the men I've been with have been straight up whack. But guys don't usually go down on me the first time. I think they are whack. I've never felt such a tender and delicate feeling while with another man before. We had time to nurture a relationship before we did anything. 2 months of patience, only going as far as to kiss (after a month in) and touch a little. Anyway, we had sex for the first time that night. After we both came, we held each other, half naked. We pillow talked for what felt like hours before I had to go home.

Anyway, that was my little tryst. I'm hoping to meet him again this weekend but in the meantime I have lots of work to catch up on personally. I signed up for Fabulous to hel myself develop some healthy habbits. I've let myself go and I want to be in good mental and physical condition again. Now that it's chillier, I'd like to maybe get back into jogging again in the mornings. And going to the gym/lifting weights. On my off days I just want to focus on eating well and practicing mindfulness and meditation. My energy levels have been super low since quarantine started and I'm not sure how much longer I can sustain myself like this. Anyway, I'm off to go work on my budget rn. Turns out you save a lot of moneys when you're living at home lol.

7/19/2020

Well, this is the official first post of my journal. I have been looking forward to assembling this page for a couple of months now. I'm happy to finally get around to it. I'm not sure what this will evolve into but I've always wanted a little corner of the internet that felt like my own space.

2020 has been quite the unexpected plot twist. I really felt like I was moving in a forward direction in my life and just got hit with this setback. July marks month 5 of quarantine. In some ways I'm grateful for the lessons learned through it all. Even though corona has been a weird blip in the simulation, I really do feel like I'm on an upward trajectory. I want to continue coding and learning more and more complex things. I think part of the reason I started this blog was to experiment a little with that. There will probably be no crazy JS but I'm just hoping to have fun.

To review, here are the lessons learned in 2020:

1. I probably don't want to get married. That doesn't mean I don't want to find a life partner that I can share my life with, but the insitution of marriage itself sucks. I'd rather be with someone who loves me for me and has no other skin in the game. Maybe I'll have a "fake" wedding celebration? I still want to wear the beautiful dress and feel like a princess? Should probably unlearn this soon too...
2. Corona has made me realize I don't really care for living in the city anymore? I just want a yard, a dog, and someone I love by my side. Is this me maturing? Is this a reflection of a new reality in a more physically distant, socially connected world? I don't know if I'm completely over the city life but the idea of not having to commute to work is freeing. I don't mind it once in a while. But I'm imagining the potential quality of life
3. I know my worth more than ever. It's an ongoing process but I love myself more every day. I will not settle.
4. Side hustles are key. Always have a back pocket income. Times are wild and you never know when you will lose your job. Lucky for me, I didn't have this worry. But it's still a valuable lesson. For me this was day trading.

Speaking of the one I love....I don't wan't to sound too hopeful but you know that feeling when you find someone that you totally connect with and click? Just an effortless relationship that feels like a friendship...but has sort of evolved to more flirting? Just total respect and understanding of each others' core values? Yeah that. I feel so aligned to that with someone I've met. It's still way too early but it feels like more than butterflies. No doubts or uncertainties. I'm being watchful for red flags but right now there are none. Am I addicted to falling in love? Is this the real deal? I haven't even touched him yet (thanks quarantine) but I feel so connected...